apples to apples.

i love this game.

st. patty's day.

I am all for people feeling good about where they come from but St. Patrick’s Day may be the worst holiday of the year. Celebrating Irish heritage is one thing, but celebrating it by embracing all the worst stereotypes of a culture is something else entirely. It would be like us Jews having Money Grubbing Day.

The Irish are a proud people. I know this because I read “Angela’s Ashes.” So I know the indignation and hardships they have endured here and abroad. They’ve accomplished much in this country, which makes me think there’s got to be a better way for them to honor their heritage than by throwing up.

As far as I can tell, the primary (and possibly only) activities associated with this stupid holiday are drinking beer, wearing green, and eating salty food. Which are also the primary activities associated with going to a Jets game. The corned beef and cabbage is traditional Irish fare, the green connotes the beauty of the homeland, and the beer reminds us of the blight of alcoholism which has destroyed so many Irish families over the centuries.

If ever there was a people who should use alcohol less to celebrate their ancestry, it is the Irish. Using alcohol to celebrate being Irish like using small pox to celebrate being Native American. Or, now that I think about it, it’s also like using alcohol to celebrate Native American heritage.

Nor do I feel the need to say cutesy things like “Top o’ the morning to ya’” or to kiss anybody simply for being Irish. If anything, I am going to be on extra-high herpes alert when confronted by strangers wearing buttons instructing me to kiss them.

On the other hand, I do enjoy Irish music the way I enjoy penicillin, in small doses. Irish soda bread is delicious. Irish sweaters are warm but itchy. Clog dancing I can do without, unless it is performed by Savion Glover. And that I think runs the full survey of Irish culture, unless you count eating sheep’s eyeballs, as recounted by Frank McCourt in the aforementioned "Angela’s Ashes.”

The Irish are a lovely people and I am happy they have a day to celebrate their heritage, but good Lord, can’t it be on a day when I am out of the country? Or can’t they at least do it more quietly? Or even better, can’t they do it in Ireland?

rihanna.

max.

if you just looked at this picture and didn’t:

a. set your computer on fire
b. punch a hole in your computer screen
or
c. throw your pet at your computer,

then continue reading!

so as i’m currently watching season 1+2 of the best teen sitcom of all time, saved by the bell, i remembered what i hate most about it: MAX. what a fucking tool. him and his magic; bringing out the burgers in a magic cart, his applause meter, his retarded props. seriously, did anyone out there actually think he was funny? 90% of the time, the gang didn’t even give a shit about what he was saying. to top it all off, he didn’t even have a last name.

anyway, i’ll end my rant here.

telephone.

hahaha. it's true.

is this real?

happy valentine's day.

this is what i ordered from Papa Johns.


and this is how it really looked like.

john mayer + ellen + lady gaga = THIS.

the curious case of benjamin un-button.

reese.

the new year.

As 2008 mercifully ended, I think we can all agree that it was one shitty year. Any year in which Paul Newman dies is, by definition, a bad year. With the exception of Barack Obama being elected president, I’m hard pressed to think of any “feel good” news stories. Maybe the fact that less people are getting killed in Iraq? Although I don’t know that “less people being killed” qualifies as good news. No, it was a year filled with terrible, terrible news stories – one worse than the next. Our country is officially in the shitter, metaphorically represented by the billion gallons of coal sludge which poured into two Tennessee rivers as the year closed. But for all the horrible news from 2008, at least 2009 will probably be worse. In fact, we may look back on 2008 and go, “I don’t know what everybody was bitching about. That was a walk in the park compared to 2009!”

On the other hand, I just saw “Kung Fu Panda” for the first time and I have to say, I think it should be a serious contender for “Best Picture of the Year.” "Wall-E" may have had the critics all a-twitter for its trite anti-consumerist message, but “Kung Fu Panda” was the superior movie in every respect. It looked better, was more entertaining, was a hell of a lot funnier, and left me feeling considerably more optimistic about humanity. Chances that “Wall-E” will be nominated for Best Picture? Fifty-fifty. “Kung Fu Panda?” Zero.

Just a couple other things to feel good about as this crummy year ended:

• Bratz dolls are off the shelves. If you don’t know what Bratz dolls are, you either don’t have children, or you're not into kiddy porn. The reason they are off the shelves? Not because they encourage the sexualization of five-year-olds but because of copyright infringement. That’s fine with me – after all, they put Al Capone away for tax evasion.

• The Southwest Salad at McDonalds. I am a big fan of McDonalds. I think they have pretty much cornered the market on deliciousness. But, I think it’s fair to say that their food isn’t necessarily over-healthed. When I am there, I like to get the Chicken Selects Meal, which is basically like pouring out a salt shaker onto a tray. From time to time, out of guilt, I try to find a healthier option. Well, not only is the Southwest Salad healthier, it’s also fan-fucking-tastic. I got one the other night, and I talked about how good it was so much that my mom finally told me to shut up. That’s how good it was.

Jason Lee = Ryan Reynolds